Retro Fashion: The Bad

Oh noes!  The '80's are baaaaaack!  Yesterday I was going on about how much I love the '50's influence, but the same can certainly NOT be said of the '80's.  I remember the '80's, and they were not cute.  The clothes were not cute, the hair was not cute, and the attitude was, IMHO, not great either.  I keep a picture of myself and my two siblings in a frame on our side table just to remind myself of how far we've come!  Any time I feel bad about my current shape, clothes, or hair, I just look at those mullets and I feel all kinds of better.  Here are a few of the main offenders:

LEGGINGS - Sure, sure, I know leggings are comfortable, and I even own a few pairs again, but the point here is that I do not confuse them with pants.  They can only be worn as a substitute for pants when a person is under the age of six.  My daughter's diaper bulge is cute.  Your saddlebags are not. Do you get a pass if you are super skinny?  No!  We can still see every lump and line.  It's just TMI to be tasteful.

ACID/NEON - I have a lovely friend who is originally from Rwanda and has dark skin, hair, and eyes.  She look amazing in just about every color under the sun including bright yellows, greens, and pinks.  In general, the paler you are, the less good these colors look on you.  This is especially true of that horrid shade of neon green which makes the vast majority of people look like they need a doctor on the double.

SHORT SHORTS - Not only do these show off too much skin, but on many people they end of killing your proportions.  On some it might give the impression of long legs, but I'm afraid it just makes many people appear extremely top-heavy.  Think of an apple supported by a little swath of denim.

PLASTIC JEWELRY - I had this when I was little.  Didn't you?  Enough said.

PLASTIC JEWELS - Ew! Ew! Ew! I have yet to see one single blouse, shoe, or purse with the huge fake gems that looks anything less than cheap and really old-ladyish.  If your name is Gloria and your from Boca, go ahead.  No you know what?  Even Gloria shouldn't do it.